


I hate to admit I was a Fool

by 5star_illusion



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, I like to torture people :), I'mma go cry now, Inspired by Ex, Other, Why do I hurt myself like this?, but i love him anyways, chan is an idiot, genderneutral reader, if you cry it's not my responsibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:14:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26764903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5star_illusion/pseuds/5star_illusion
Summary: Chan remembers and wants to forget the pain he put on them. But mostly himself
Relationships: Bang Chan/Reader
Kudos: 9





	I hate to admit I was a Fool

**Author's Note:**

> I played I hate to admit it on repeat while writing this and I swear I'm bout to cry in front of my colleagues. Also, if you cry, that ain't my responsibility :3

Sometimes, Chan remembers the time he let the person who meant the world to him go. He remembers the deep ache he felt back then when he pushed them away, convinced it was the best for them both. He remembers the tears that drips down their face, as they struggled to understand but could only cry before turning away from him. And that was the last Chan saw of them, a gaping hole in his heart as he watched them walk further and further away from him.

Sometimes, Chan remembers their face when they grinned cheekily at him after whispering a dad joke in his ear. He remembers the glazed, concentrated look when they were invested in whatever show was on. He remembers the painfully bright laughter when they jump into a puddle, splashing a little water onto his pants. He remembers the slight lift of the corner of their lips as they’re pressed together into a sweet kiss. And that was the last of Chan’s happy memory before he fell into the dark abyss. Completely lost without the person who stood by his side for as long as he could remember.

Sometimes, Chan remembers the way they hold on to him when they were scared or sad, relying on him completely as they sobbed quietly in his chest. Sometimes, Chan remembers the way they rest their head on his chest, listening to him sing quietly, slowly calming down from whatever scare they had. Sometimes, he remembers the way they squeezed his hand tightly whenever they were nervous, or the way they let him run his hand through their hair as they relaxed in his presence. And that was the last time Chan felt like he had a purpose that was to protect his lover, as long as he could.

Sometimes, Chan remembers the way they wiped away his tears, pressing kisses onto his eyelids whenever he was upset or frustrated. Sometimes, he remembers the way they always looked so proud of him even though all he managed to do was produce one verse of a song for two days. Sometimes, he recalls the way they press kisses onto his hair whenever they came in with food and fed him while he concentrated on his work, pressing a soft kiss on his lips once he’s finished eating. He remembers the way they always brought cake for him whenever he finished a song in celebration, giving him as many kisses as he wanted for a job well done. He remembers the rewards they gave him when they lie on the bed next to each other, silly smiles on their faces as they cuddled closer, their familiar scent lulling him into his well-deserved sleep. And that was the last time Chan felt like he could take on any challenges as long as his beloved was there for him.

Sometimes, Chan remembers the worried look whenever they enter his studio, him being too busy in his work to remember coming home. He remembers the neglected look whenever he gently pushed them off him so he could type in lyrics before he could forget the words. He remembers how lonely they looked, sleeping on their couch as they waited for him to come home and his heart ached and ached. He remembers how dejected they sound when he called to tell them that he couldn’t go for dinner because of an important meeting even though it was their anniversary. He remembers how he comes home to see dried tear tracks on their face as they slept alone in their bed on days they were too tired to wait for him in the living room. And that was when Chan knew he had to let them go because he knew they deserved someone better.

Sometimes, Chan remembers how selflessly understanding they could be as they lived their days for him. He remembers the guilt he felt when he disappointed them again and again and yet they kept the hopeful look on his face whenever they woke up together the next morning. He remembers the way their eyes light up whenever they saw him even though he did nothing much but neglect them at times. He remembers the way they looked so excited when gifting him things that reminds them of him just because they want to without reason. And because they loved him so much. And Chan’s heart hurt so much because he couldn’t do the things they deserve. 

Sometimes, Chan wants to forget the betrayed look on their face when they caught him with another person that was not them. He didn’t know what to do as he let the other person kiss him, tugging on his shirt. Chan watched as the love of his life looked so heartbroken as they tried to comprehend what was going on before turning away. He wants to forget the way they looked at him as they tugged their luggage closer to them as they left their apartment. He wants to forget the feeling of their last kiss together, mixed with both their tears, equally as sweet and gentle and loving as their first kiss. Chan wants to forget the sad smile they gave him when they parted, whispering that they left dinner on the table, before they left him for good. He wants to forget the way they kissed his forehead one last time as he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Chan knows he deserves the heartbreak as he looks at the picture of them, happier with a new person in their life. He knows that no matter how much he tries, he can never forget the sin he committed by looking at another person and he deserves every scolding his brain and heart shot at him. Chan knows he doesn’t deserve to cry over his own stupid doings as he laid alone in his bed. It’s been years and yet the pain doesn’t subside one bit and that was his punishment. 

Chan wants to call them, tell them to curse him out as much they liked until their hatred only turns into anger. But what hatred was there when all they were was a selfless and understanding angel who quietly left his life like he reluctantly wished for the both of them. He wished they were more selfish, cursing him so he would stay by their side and let it all out till they can go back to how they were but it was not their way of thinking which was why he loved and still love them in the first place.

Chan can only laugh bitterly. He hates to remember the old, broken memories. But oh, he is just a fool.


End file.
